bonwich Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Braving winds roughly equal to a Category 3 hurricane and wind chills worthy of Brad Soderberg's home state, eight intrepid "golfers" successfully completed the truncated inaugural Billiken Board 8:30 A.M. Madness Golf Tournament yesterday morning. The team of davidnark, Iggy and Bonwich took first place with a score of three over par and took home the huge purse for the event, which was actually a cast-off from Baton Bob when he left town last month. Second place went to Willie, SShoe and Billiken Roy, who immediately requested controlled-substance testing of the winning threesome due to dangerously high levels of Jesuit education and of steroidskis, illegal performance-enhancing substances synthesized during the production of kielbasa. The Sportsmanship Award went to Box and Won and slufanskip, who were forced to play a man short due to SheltieDave's withdrawal, which was attributed to Dave making the cut in this week's PGA event. Wind gusts of up to 50 miles per hour and the day's low temperature of 44 degrees at tee time tested both the mettle and the metals of the golfers, especially on the 600 yard ninth hole. The round was terminated after the front nine when, remarkably, it was determined that the Probstein golf facility in the City of St. Louis had the same staff whose other duties include event management at the Savvis Center, ticket distribution for the 2004 World Series and compliance at the University of Missouri athletic department. Despite having signed up for 18 holes and then, on the morning of the event, having been assured that the groups would be allowed to go around again on the same nine holes of the 27-hole complex, staff at the course mysteriously discovered the existence of a tournament to benefit De La Salle School at St. Matthew's. Billiken Roy immediately called for another investigation when he found out that De La Salle is run by Jesuit archrivals the Christian Brothers, despite the fact that the St. Matthew's parish, in the Ville neighborhood of St. Louis, is staffed by Jesuits. (Editor's note: Aside from the investigation part, this final item is actually too funny to be making up.) The participants retired to the clubhouse after the round for a lively session of discussion on the first Billiken practice, completed just six hours before tee time but attended by Roy and Skip, as well as the inevitable Mizzou- (and, to a lesser extent, Marquette- and Gonzaga-) bashing. A resolution was introduced to make the tournament an annual event, played on the weekend closest after the official start of basketball practices. After Roy noted that his fine Jesuit education, and specifically the scholarship of Avis Meyer, had taught him that "first annual" -- a term used by the competing Christian Brothers event -- was technically impossible, and Bonwich had it read into the record that the inaugural tournament had been yet another missed marketing opportunity by the athletic department, the resolution passed unanimously. A subcommittee was formed to investigate the possibility of Schasz hosting next year's event on his home course. The married participants then raced home to grovel for disappearing for a Saturday, and the single members went home to finally get some sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slufanskip Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Good report Bonwich ... the morning was a good time. I am looking forward to next year. Hopefully we will get more people out. I think we should do it about a month earlier though. Official Billikens.com sponsor of H. Waldman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billiken_roy Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 what an extremely accurate report of the events. almost to the point i have to wonder if mr bonwich wasnt electronically enhanced to record the happenings. i sure hope mr sheltie did well on the pga hole as his desertion made for a tough morning for mr skip and mr box. had we known for sure he wasnt going to show, we could have reshuffled, had two foursomes, enhanced the fellowship, and most importantly, saved the rental of one golf cart. in view of the way it all turned out, sheltie should be made chairperson for next year's second annual. he would be in charge of coordinating the event with schasz, and getting corporate sponsors to pay for our travel expenses to clearwater. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Schasz Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 The weather down here in Florida was perfect for golf yesterday. Ryan and I took on his Dad and his Uncle in a best ball. Well we were down 3 strokes at the turn even with my contribution which was a near hole in one. Ryan got warmed up on the back nine and we ended up winning on the last hole by one stroke. If you guys can all get away then it would be fine with me to host a Billiken golf event at Lansbrook. It sounds like you guys had lots of fun and that's what golf should be all about. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheA_Bomb Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 This is an excerpt from the "Alton News Democrat" dated 17 OCT 04: Message Board Golf Tourney sparks Scramble for Truth -St. Louis, MO The victory of the winning threesome in the 1st Annual Billiken Board Golf Tournament has been marred amidst doping charges. Initially the charges did not seem to have much validity after investigators examined the physiques of Bonwich, Nark and Iggy. However, last night a taped phone conversation between Bonwich's personal trainer, a 58 year old Gym Teacher, and an unknown man surfaced. In the conversation the trainer said, "yeah he (Bonwich) got the stuff" Unknown man, "yeah and....." Trainer, "he won - it worked - but he complained about the taste" Unknown man, "that ungrateful *%$%." Amidst the this new information a hearing will be called in the near future. The Commisioner Steve "Sign Guy" Rogers could not be reached for comment further fueling the debate that the league is turning it's head to the controversy because fans love to see the long ball. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheltiedave Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Sad to say, but I think one of the teams engaged in unethical tampering. I got called in to oversee moving a pile of radioactive material at the steel mill in East St. Louis at 6 in the morning, when there was no production work scheduled in that area for another four days. I was not too happy, but it is not good form to tell people how vital it is to maintain strict control over their radioactive materials...and then decline to come in when they want to move them because of a golfing date. I got some bling for coming in, so I owe a couple people some cart money, and the next get together, or the first round at the first game I make is on me. Last week was my first round of the year, and Mr's Jeckyl and Hyde were out and about. I was three under after twelve at Gateway National, and then my back got stiff and I finished nine over on the last six holes. I need to move down to Arizona or Florida so I can bask in the sun's rays, but that would mean giving up catching the Bills in person. St. Louis is pretty warm! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kshoe Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 not only do you leave your wife to sit at home to order world series tickets but you don't even play good golf? That is a poor showing indeed. And don't even think of coming on here to tell us that sshoe and billiken_roy held you down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bonwich Posted October 17, 2004 Author Share Posted October 17, 2004 >The Commisioner Steve "Sign Guy" Rogers could not be reached for comment further fueling the debate that the league is turning its head to the controversy because fans love to see the long ball. Let the conspiracy theories begin! On number 5, a hole charted at 354 yards from the tee, Nark's drive was only a couple of bounces from hitting the green. I think it was the kielbasa, although he claims that even B-Roy could have driven that hole, given the 60 mph trailing wind. (For the record, Bonwich's drive on that hole was closer to 500 yards. Again, it could have been the kielbasa, or it could have been Bonwich's uncanny ability to drive the ball into the road that was at least 40 yards to the left of the target. Speaking of "fairways like concrete"... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheA_Bomb Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 Hey Dave I am HAZMAT Waste Managers Course certified (40 hr. class) could you hook me up w/ a job? I have a year experience managing POL products for vehicle maintenance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sheltiedave Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 A Bomb, give me a ring at 314.487.3913. I'm home after work during the week. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
billiken_roy Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 there is little doubt that billiken roy indeed held willie back. willie is ready for the tour compared to my "consistency" on the links. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheA_Bomb Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 I was just curious, I've always heard that class was worth some money in the civilian world. Actually I am due for a recert but I won't get it because I don't work that job anymore but I am moving on to another Federal job soon. However, I did have a great Master Sergeant who is retiring soon he knows much much more about it than I. He also has the course but has 20 years experience. He actually did the work as the captain I just passed on info from the colonel. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SShoe Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 SShoe was held back by Willie once SShoe got warmed up...or so I say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Box and Won Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 When I heard that Balco had begun selling performance-enhancing pierogies through its web site, I knew it was all over for us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slufanskip Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 Box ... if we would have found all our balls, I'm sure we would have won. I think some of them were in the hole ... just by the time we got there they had been taken by squirrels. Official Billikens.com sponsor of H. Waldman Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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