The Randy Report
ST LOUIS- Hi Kids! It is I, Randy! Did you miss me? It has been awhile. Lets throw a log on the fire, cuddle up in a snuggie and enjoy a garrulous tale of epic proportions.
A few years ago, a young lad by the name of Derrondre was frolicking in the park when he stumbled upon a lamp. This was no ordinary lamp; it was majestic, lustrous and filled with mystery. Always believing in Disney movies as a child, young Derrondre began caressing the lamp with a touch ever so soft. Much to his surprise, a magic wizard popped out and proclaimed “YOU GET THREE WISHES!” Not wasting any time, Derrondre shouted, “I want to be friends with Taylor Swift, make Harry Potter real and become the President of the United States!” Three nose twitches later, the wizard disappeared and young Derrondre was left in bewilderment. THE END
Sounds like a pretty intense story, doesn’t it? I mean, who in the world would really have the presence of mind upon being granted 3 wishes in such an extemporaneous situation to include Taylor Swift, Hogwarts and the President of the United States? A young Sarah Palin you might guess? Nay. Meet Heardthisblog.com contributor Derrick Neuner.
Recently, Mr. Neuner has shamelessly promoted his new blog on billikens.com and it has drawn my attention. Admittedly I was pretty excited for such website since our friend Nate has moved on to bigger, better paying endeavors. Before I could completely engage in supporting the site I decided to do a little research on Mr. Neuner. I wanted to see where he came from, what he enjoys, writing styles and other useless knowledge that popped up via a quick google search.
The first search result was a real gold mine. DerrickNeuner.com. Herbert, the local pedophile from the Family Guy TV show ‘liked’ it over 400 times based on the picture alone.. From there I was linked to his twitter account. A normal guy on twitter who likes tweeting at the local sports writers and including “winking smiley faces” at the end of his tweets. His twitter headline that states “Sam Bradford. Albert Pujols. Barack Obama. Billikens. You got it.” I was a little upset with the addition of Barry Obama, but once I understood his love for Wizards, Warlocks and other mythical beings, “I got it.”
His U-News articles were moderate. My favorite was the gem in which he managed to include Harry Potter, Taylor Swift and John Calipari in the same paragraph.
It was then I began wondering about his earliest assignments. Way back in the day I heard rumors that he was known for scouting local high school players. I was eager to find out where it all began.
****
After many hours of research, I was just about to give up on finding what I was looking for when I heard my phone ring. It was 3:30 am on a Tuesday night and an unknown number. Who could this be?
“Hello?” I said.
“What you are looking for can’t be found with a computer. I am aware of what you are in search of. I have left a document with the security guard at Chaifetz Arena. Proceed with caution.”
Click. The phone went silent.
I had to get to the Jewel of Midtown.
****
As I turned off Market on to Compton, I saw a man standing in the street. He had a cardboard sign that read, “Randy, I’m not homeless, but give me a dollar and I will give you a document.” Struggling for change I threw 14 nickels and 3 dimes his way and received the document. I was not ready for what I saw next.
It was a scouting report of a high school basketball player that was drafted by Derrick Neuner. It was old. Real old. The prospect: PG #05 Zachary Metzinger.
Rifling through the report the evidence became unnerving.
Name: Zachary Metzinger
Position: Point Guard
Team: BFE Nile Squid Fish
Strengths: Quick. Strong finisher below the rim. Verbal leader.
Weaknesses: Size and defensive awareness. General basketball abilities.
Overall: A prominent player in the 7th Grade travel circuit. Seems to have hit a wall after his father started attending games. Mr. Robert Metzinger frequently attends games loaded off Zima’s and verbally assaults referees. Paired with his inability to attract women, I find this player a future member of the spirit squad.
It all started making sense. Derrick Neuner’s first player profile card was the answer to all the problems on billikens.com! Metz is Billiken05’s PAPA! Its clear! The Zima’s. The yelling. The lameness of a 7th grade basketball report! Finding out how big of a man he is! I found what I was looking for!
The hate the two engage in on the message board is clearly the frustration of a father and a son. I hope someday they rekindle their relationship and can finally take that trip to Spain.
****
All in all. In conclusion. Finally. My research has left me with the utmost respect for Mr. Neuner. Although his articles may be somewhat lame, his love for Obama unhealthy and his gayness for Harry Potter odd, I believe he will develop into a prominent member of the sports journalism world. Besides, without him, we would never know where the hate between Metz and ’05 came from. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
